Throughout the five days following the revelation that I am pregnant I struggled with shame, fear and remorse. I knew all of this self-recrimination wasn't going to change things and I apologized to my little baby for the negative feelings I was harboring. I wanted to feel joyful anticipation, happiness and euphoria knowing that I would be holding a beautiful baby in my arms next summer and that in the interim I would experience all the wondeful aspects of pregnancy while feeling and watching my unborn child grow. Bruce did his best to help me come to a sense of acceptance and I appreciated that but it had to come from within me.
     I was at work that Saturday, running around like crazy, a typical day in my line of work. I started feeling occasional cramps in my lower abdomen. I searched my memory...had I felt this with my other pregnancies? I didn't remember feeling cramps so early in pregnancy before and slowly a sense of fear spread over me, terror at the thought of possibly losing this new life I was privileged to carry.
    I came to realize that the fear of losing my baby was far greater than any other feelings I had about how others would look at my pregnancy. It was true, I dreaded having to tell my children that I had fallen into sin, the sin I had so oftened cautioned them to avoid. The anticipation that certain people would take great pleasure in my fall made my stomach twist. I knew it would happen, there are always individuals out there who are so insecure in their own lives who take pleasure when others make mistakes or have misfortune befall them. This child was a symbol of the love Bruce and I shared and would be fiercely loved and looked after by siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. As I softly spoke to my little babe, encouraging him or her to hang in there and stay with me, my love grew and everything else faded into the background. It swept over me like a warm embrace. I am going to have a baby!!!  As a wise friend of mine said, "Life is never a mistake".
      Next I will discuss the trip out to Montanta I made with my children to spend Thanksgiving with Bruce and his family and the discussion I had with his mother when I revealed my pregnancy.

Now, from the beginning...

     This new pregnancy wasn't planned...at all.  My fiance Bruce and I, in an attempt to be good Catholics had decided to wait until our wedding night.  We had been successful too but one night and one bottle of really bad wine changed all of that.  It also left no doubt as to the date of conception as that was our one and only indiscretion. 
     We wanted to have children together after we got married and I had spent months agonizing over whether or not I would be able to conceive in my ripe old age ;-)  I'm in good health, not overweight and I take care of myself and I even exercise when the spirit moves me and my workout room isn't too chilly.  Nevertheless, when I got on the internet and googled 'Pregnancy in the 40's' I came across one particularily odious comment.  It stated something to the effect, "While women in their 40's CAN get pregnant, they shouldn't".  I wanted to reach through my laptop screen, grab the insensitive moron who wrote this by his scrawny little neck and give him a good shaking.  Fortunately for him, this is not a possibility as of yet but should I happen to meet him some  bleak and rainy night in a dark alley...well, I should probably not say anything further so you all have plausible deniability.
     While Bruce and I wanted to have children together (he has no children), we decided that if we could not conceive naturally we would not take extraordinary measures to have our own child.  We would simply put it in God's hands.  In my daydreams, I imagined agonizing for months and months after we married, hoping each month to become pregnant and being disappointed over and over again.  I read tearful stories on the internet of dozens of women my age and older whose heart's desire was to have a baby and yet who failed to conceive.  You see, I'm not a lucky person.  If I move from a grocery line with 6 people in it to one with only two you can darn well bet that the cashier will run out of receipt paper, or the person in front of me will pay for their entire purchase in pennies.  So, I was sure I would have difficulty conceiving.  BOY, WAS I WRONG!  All that worry for naught. 
     I conceived November 4th.  The next morning when I woke to the realization of the previous evening's activities I was absolutely distraught to the point of tears.  I was disappointed in myself and mortified by my actions.  I had done something that I promised myself I wouldn't do as well as something I wouldn't have done had I been sober especially since I knew that the previous day had been the most fertile day of my cycle.  I had even joked with Bruce a few days before after showing him where I was at in my cycle that this was a 'waste of a perfectly good fertile cycle'.  I had tracked my cycles for over a year using the Billings Method, a highly accurate and natural way of determing fertility and I knew that was a dangerous day but that thought had not entered my mind after the second glass of wine had entered my mouth. 
     So, I was not a happy camper that next day but I started taking vitamins that day and every day after that until the first pregnancy test.  My cycles were mostly 27 day cycles so 12 days later, two days before my period should have started I picked up two of those digital pregnancy tests that you can take up to four days before your missed period.  Bruce and I had been agonizing over the possibility of pregnancy since the day but I felt sure that given my age and the fact that it was only once (yes, I know it only takes once!) we had a good chance of not being pregnant.  My breasts had been tender for about a week but that was normal before my period so I wasn't overly worried.  When that little pregnancy test flashed 'Pregnant' at me I almost dropped it in shock.  I thought, 'Surely, it must be wrong.  The directions say not to tip the wand while it is 'thinking' and I did tip it so...' I took the second pregnancy test immediately and made sure to not even breathe on the wand this time.  Hmmmm, another 'Pregnant' flashed at me.  I went out to my car and called Bruce and told him what those two wicked little sticks were trying to tell me.  Surely, they were wrong, defective, just plain vidictive!  Bruce is a wondeful man who needs times to think about things and absorb them before he responds, immediate feedback about significant happenings is not his way but his shock reflected my own. 
     Over the next few hours we texted back and forth.  I kept insisting that the tests could be wrong while he gradually went from shock, to acceptance to happiness.  He was going to be a dad!  Though the timing wasn't great, he was thrilled about the idea of having a child.  He took it really well.  I, on the other hand, did not.  Over the next four days I took about 9 pregnancy tests, three different brands and every one of them kept insisting that I was pregnant.  I briefly considered the possibility of three mass lots of defective pregnancy tests but concluded that the dollar store pregnancy test manufacturer was probably not in collusion with the Answer pregnancy test manufacturers.   I kept going back to all the things I read on the internet, that a woman has a 25% chance of getting pregnant each month.  Heck, today I came across a website that said at 40 a woman has a FIVE percent chance each month of pregnancy.  I spoke to Bruce and told him I really thought that with those kinds of odds I should really run out and buy some lottery tickets.  I was upset because I had successfully lived a good Catholic life, chatitity and all, for the better part of a decade.  I had warned my children dozens of times of the evils of premarital sex and my co-workers were well aware of my aim to wait until marriage.  Then there were the people at chuch!   They are not 'holier than thou', people and I know they would continue to be kind to me as they have always been but my disappointment in myself and having my error in judgement so visible...the idea of telling my children that their mom had screwed up, telling my co-workers...I was just mortified.  I'm not saying that I have not made mistakes before of a similar nature, I had and one of the reasons I moved to where I live now is so I would have the spiritual support not to make the same mistakes.  I did pretty well for a long time but none of us is perfect, present company included and  demonstrated that quite well the evening I conceived. 
     For the next 6 days I was angry at myself, embarrassed and just wishing I wasn't pregnant.  I felt bad for the little life inside of me,  that it was not welcomed with the joy that he or she deserved.  I continued to take my vitamins because I wanted to give the little one the best shot at life and health, even if I wasn't happy about my pregnancy.  During this week Bruce was beating himself up as well  for his lack of self-control though he was still delighted about the idea of us having a child.  My 41st birthday was a few days after I found out I was pregnant and I would be lying if I said it was a "Happy" Birthday.
     That is a lot of writing for now.  Tomorrow I will tell you what happened on November 21st that finally softened my heart and made me fiercely protective of the new life within me.