Throughout the five days following the revelation that I am pregnant I struggled with shame, fear and remorse. I knew all of this self-recrimination wasn't going to change things and I apologized to my little baby for the negative feelings I was harboring. I wanted to feel joyful anticipation, happiness and euphoria knowing that I would be holding a beautiful baby in my arms next summer and that in the interim I would experience all the wondeful aspects of pregnancy while feeling and watching my unborn child grow. Bruce did his best to help me come to a sense of acceptance and I appreciated that but it had to come from within me.
     I was at work that Saturday, running around like crazy, a typical day in my line of work. I started feeling occasional cramps in my lower abdomen. I searched my memory...had I felt this with my other pregnancies? I didn't remember feeling cramps so early in pregnancy before and slowly a sense of fear spread over me, terror at the thought of possibly losing this new life I was privileged to carry.
    I came to realize that the fear of losing my baby was far greater than any other feelings I had about how others would look at my pregnancy. It was true, I dreaded having to tell my children that I had fallen into sin, the sin I had so oftened cautioned them to avoid. The anticipation that certain people would take great pleasure in my fall made my stomach twist. I knew it would happen, there are always individuals out there who are so insecure in their own lives who take pleasure when others make mistakes or have misfortune befall them. This child was a symbol of the love Bruce and I shared and would be fiercely loved and looked after by siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. As I softly spoke to my little babe, encouraging him or her to hang in there and stay with me, my love grew and everything else faded into the background. It swept over me like a warm embrace. I am going to have a baby!!!  As a wise friend of mine said, "Life is never a mistake".
      Next I will discuss the trip out to Montanta I made with my children to spend Thanksgiving with Bruce and his family and the discussion I had with his mother when I revealed my pregnancy.